Ray Carlisle's 100% Pure Truckin'

"The Truckers Anthem"

"THE HEARTBEAT"

THE STORY BEHIND THE REALITY OF TRUCKIN'

"Samples Of Just A Few Of Ray's Other Truckin' Tunes"

"Samples Of Some Of Ray's Jokes"

"HELLO DRIVERS"

HERE ARE SOME OF THE TRUCKIN' JOKES "RAY" HAS WROTE THROUGH THE YEARS.

HIS CD'S ARE ALSO FILLED WITH ALL HIS "GREAT TRUCKIN' SONGS" AND "SPECIAL EFFECTS".

RAY RESPECTS ALL DRIVERS FOR WHAT THEY DO OUT THERE ON THE ROAD AND HE WANTS YOU TO KNOW THAT HE DOES ALL HIS "TRUCKIN' HUMOR" IN FUN ONLY.

"HAVE FUN ON YOUR RUN"!

"WE HOPE YOU ENJOY THE JOKES"

===============================

''BLOOD TYPE"

MY BLOOD TYPE IS

"A POSITIVE"

SO I CAN'T

"B NEGATIVE"

===============================

''GALAXY 66''

I HAD A BRAND NEW "GALAXY 66" STILL IN THE BOX HERE AWHILE BACK SO I WENT AND FOUND ME A "SWIFT DRIVER", TURNED THAT BOX UPSIDE DOWN, TOLD HIM IT WAS A "GALAXY 99", AND HE GAVE ME $450.00 FOR IT.

THAT SAME DRIVER CAME IN THE CB SHOP THE OTHER DAY AND SAID HE TRIED THE SAME THING WITH A "GALAXY 88" AND HE SAID HE TURNED IT UPSIDE DOWN BUT IT DIDN'T DO NOTHING.

SO ANYWAY, STEVE AT THE CB SHOP WENT AHEAD AND SOLD HIM A "GALAXY 33".

HE WENT DOWN STAIRS AND HOOKED IT UP AND WE HEARD HIM AS HE WAS LEAVING TOWN, HE SAID "HOW ABOUT IT",

"ANYBODY GOT A COPY ON THIS BRAND NEW"

"GALAXY DOUBLE E"?

==================================

"GUIDE LINE"

"ATTENTION ALL DRIVERS"

THE "YELLOW LINE" THAT RUNS ALOND THE MEDIAN IS A "GUIDE LINE" FOR THOSE "YELLOW MOTORS".

IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A "YELLOW MOTOR" YOU NEED TO

"GET YOUR ASS IN THE RIGHT LANE AND STAY THERE"!

==================================

"TWO YEAR PHYSICAL"

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR THE OTHER DAY AND GOT ME ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE "TWO YEAR PHYSICALS". THE DOCTOR CALLED ME TODAY AND SAID HE HAD SOME GOOD NEWS AND SOME BAD NEWS. I TOLD HIM TO GIVE ME THE GOOD NEWS FIRST.

HE SAID, "WELL THE GOOD NEWS IS",

"I HAD 24 HOURS TO LIVE".

HE SAID, "THE BAD NEWS WAS",

HE TRIED TO GET AHOLD OF ME "YESTERDAY"!

==================================

"BINGO IN AFGANISTAN"

DO YOU KNOW HOW THE TALABAN ARE PLAYING "BINGO" OVER THERE IN AFGANISTAN NOW.

THEY ARE GOING,

"B-52"

"F-16"

AND WHEN THEY HOLLER BINGO THEY GO,

"STEALTH"!

==================================

"ROLL OVER MINUTES"

WHEN YOU DRIVERS GO TO GET YOU A NEW "CELL PHONE" YOU NEED TO GO WITH "CINGULAR WIRELESS" WHICH IS NOW "AT&T".

THEY HAVE THESE NEW "ROLL OVER MINUTES".

THIS WAY IF YOUR DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD RUNNING YOUR MOUTH ON YOUR CELL PHONE, AND YOU "SCREW UP" AND

"ROLL YOUR TRUCK OVER"

"YOU DONT LOOSE THE SIGNAL".

IT'S THEM NEW

''ROLL OVER MINUTES"!

==================================

"LOST SWIFT DRIVER"

I was tring to help a "Swift Driver" one time that was on the "Radio" saying he was lost. He was tring to get into the Petro there Oklahoma City. I asked him where he was at?

He said he didnt know where he was at.

I told him well, it's going to be kinda hard for me to help you with "Directions" if you can't even tell me where you are at.

He said he was coming up to an intersection at that time to hold on just a secound. When he finally got up to the corner he said;

" I'm at the corner of "

"Walk and Don't Walk".

==================================

"RADIO FOR SALE"

Things have changed since I drove last.

I guess now days Drivers have one "Radio" they go "Forward" with and another "Radio" they go "Backwards" with.

I heard this Driver the other day on the "Radio" trying to sell his

"Back Up Radio".

==================================

"ROOM FULL OF LOT LIZZARDS"

Do you know what you have when you have a whole room full of Lot Lizzards?

"One Full Set Of Teeth".

==================================

"LOT LIZZARD BY WENDYS"

This Driver picked him up a "Lot Lizzard" on the street there in Oak City and drove over to the "Old Piolt" Truck Stop and parked his Truck over on the west side of Wendy's.

After they both got back in the sleeper the "Lot Lizzard" pulled out some of her own money and handed it to the Driver and said she wanted to

"Biggie Size It"

=================================

"WENDYS CHILIE"

I WALKED INTO THE WENDYS AT THE "PILOT" ON THE WEST SIDE OF "PHOENIX" AWHILE BACK AND TOLD THEM I WANTED A BOWL OF THEIR "CHILIE"

BUT

I WANTED TO "BIGGIE SIZE IT" TO A

"TOE".

=================================

"LOT LIZZARD MOUTHWASH"

Do you know what Lot Lizzards use for "Mouthwash"?

"Whore-Ah-Scope".

=================================

"THE 10-2 POSITION"

I was trying to teach this young kid how to "Drive A Truck" one time and when I told him to put his hands at the

"10-2 POSITION"

He asked me

"AM" or "PM".

The boy needed a

"Check Up" from the "Neck Up".

=================================

"STUDENT LAP TOPS"

I AM NOW SELLING NEW "LAP TOP COMPUTERS" TO ALL THE NEW "STUDENT DRIVERS" OUT THERE. I HAVE ONE MORE CASE OF THEM LEFT AND I AM LETTING THEM GO FOR $20.00 EACH.

THE BRAND NAME ON THEM IS;

"ETCH-AH-SKETCK"

THEY ARE REAL EASY TO OPERATE. IF YOU WANT TO DELETE ANYTHING YOU JUST "TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN AND SHAKE IT".

==================================

"TURNED OVER COW TRUCK"

THEY HAD A "COW TRUCK" TURN OVER, THERE BY THE "BIG CABIN" TRUCK STOP THE OTHER DAY.

THE DRIVER HAD ON A LOAD OF "SHEEP'' AND HE WAS GOING AROUND A "SWIFT TRUCK" WHEN ALL THOSE "SHEEP" RAN OVER TO THE RIGHT SIDE OF HIS TRAILER LIKE THEY "RECONIZED THAT DRIVER" AND THE WEIGHT SHIFT

"TURNED HIS TRUCK OVER".

==================================

"CB SIGNALS"

I HAD TO TAKE MY O' LADY TO THE DOCTOR THE OTHER DAY.

SHE KEPT HEARING PEOPLE "TALKING IN HER SLEEP".

COME TO FIND OUT

"HER IUD HAD BEEN PICKING UP "CB SIGNALS"

I TOOK HER BACK IN THERE THOUGH AND HAD THAT

"TALK BACK''

TAKEN OUT

AND "SHE HASENT TALKED BACK TO ME SENSE".

==================================

"CHROME "LUG-NUT" COVERS"

I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT ME SOME OF THOSE NEW "CHROME LUG-NUT COVERS" THE OTHER DAY.

I TOOK EM' HOME AND PUT EM' ON AND THEY LOOKED REAL GOOD AND THEY FIT REAL NICE.

BUT, EVERYTIME YOU GO TO SIT DOWN,

"THEY SURE UNCOMFORTABLE"!

==================================

Have you ever seen them "Steel Haulers" with them

"Florecent Painted Trucks"

out of Seguin, Texas.

I seen one of them getting on the interstate up there at "Exit 140" getting ready to go "West Bound" and the "DOT" had him on the shoulder of the road and told him that he was going to have to

"Tarp His Tractor"

before he got out there on the interstate.

==================================

"10-36"

I USE TO CARRY AN ALARM CLOCK IN MY TRUCK SET FOR 10:36. EVERY TIME THE ALARM WOULD GO OFF I WOULD GRAB MY MIC AND SAY,

''IF ANYBODY NEEDS A ''10-36''

IT'S ''10:36''!

I HAD A DRIVER PARKED RIGHT BEHIND ME ONE TIME AND HE "SCREWED UP" AND ASKED IF SOMEONE WOULD GIVE HIM A

''10-33''.

I JUST FIRED MY TRUCK UP, PUT IT IN REVERSE, POPPED THE CLUTCH, THEN "RAN MY TRAILER INTO THE FRONT OF HIS TRACTOR".

==================================

"TRUCKERS STRIKE"

There is a way we could have a "Strike".

All we have to do is shut down all the "Cotton Mills".

I "Guarantee You" at the end of the month when them women can't get their "Tampax".

They will go to "Washington" and get something done.

==================================

''SMALL FORTUNE"

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO END UP WITH A

''SMALL FORTUNE''

TODAY IN THE ''TRUCKIN' INDUSTRY''?

YOU START OFF WITH A

''BIG ONE''!

==================================

"NEW ECHO TUBE"

I'm coming out with a new "Echo Tube" that fits on the front of a "Road King Mic".

They are going to be $80.00 cheaper than a "Conex Board".

What it is, is that "Cardboard Roll" that comes in the middle of a "Roll of Toilet Paper". That thing fit's nice and snug right around that "Chicken Wire" on the front of a "Road King Mic".

TRY IT! If you want more "Echo" then you can get the one that comes in the middle of a

"PAPER TOWEL ROLL".

==================================

"GIRL HITCH HIKEING"

I was driving down the road late one night and I starting getting real tired and I thought I seen this "Little Skinny Girl" walking down the shoulder of the road with her thumb out "Hitch Hikeing".

It looked to me like she was wearing a "Green Football Jersey".

It was about 2:00 in the morning and so I decided I was going to stop and give this girl a ride to help keep me awake. I pulled over on the shoulder of the road, got out of the truck, walked all the way back there to give her a ride and it ended up being,

"A Damm "Mile Post Marker".
"Bad Experience"

Now if you think that was Bad,

"I Stood There & Talked To Her For About 15 Minutes".

==================================

"DVD MOVIES"

THERE WAS THIS GUY IN THE TRUCK STOP THE OTHER DAY TRYING TO SELL "DVD MOVIES".

"I TOLD HIM I WOULDN'T PAY FOR ANYTHING THAT HAD

"VD"

IN IT!

==================================

"TAG NUMBERS"

I THINK EVERYONES "TAG NUMBER" SHOULD BE THEIR "CELL PHONE" NUMBER".

THAT WAY YOU COULD JUST CALL THEM UP AND TELL THEM TO,

"GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY".

==============================================

"THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL"

Have you ever heard that when you "Die" you see that "Beautiful White Light" at the end of the "Tunnel".

Well do you know why most "Truck Drivers" from "New York" are always in such a "Bad Mood"?

Because the only thing they have ever seen at the end of that tunnel was

"New Jersey".

==================================

"PA SWITCH"

This "Swift Driver" came in the CB Shop the other day. He told Steve he never can get his "Radio" to work in the state of "Pennsilvania".

He said everytime he goes into that state he always

"Flips That Switch Up On PA".

But, he never can get his radio to work.

==================================

"DOT CAR & AN ELEPHANT"

DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DOT CAR AND AN ELEPHANT?

"THAT ELEPHANT HAS HIS "TRUNK IN THE FRONT" AND HIS

"ASSHOLE IN THE BACK"!

==================================

"SNYDER TRUCKS"

I guess they are not going to let "Snyder Drivers" in the state of "Pennsylvania" anymore after the first of the year.

I guess they are causing too much of a "Traffic Hazard" when the "Omish People" go to pass them.

I also heard that "Animal Control" people have a lawsuit against "Snyder" for "Cruelity To Animals".

I guess their trucks don't even go fast enough to kill the "Bugs" that are hitting the windshield.

"It's just breakin' their arms and legs and leaving them laying on the side of the road".

Then I also heard that they was going to put "Bug Shields" on the back of all "Snyder Trailers" because their "Trailers" don't even go fast enough to get out of the "Bugs Way".

And do you know how a "Snyder Driver" cleans his windshield?

"He just comes to a complete stop"

and "THE BUGS JUST FLY OFF"

==================================

"OHIO STATE TROOPER"

I FILLED OUT AN APPLICATION ONE TIME TO BECOME AN

"OHIO STATE TROOPER"

THEY RAN A CHECK ON ME AND "WOULDN'T EVEN HIRE ME".

THEY FOUND OUT MY MOM AND DAD WAS MARRIED

SO THEY KNEW I COULDN'T BE NO

"BASTARD".

==================================

"TRICK MY TRUCK"

WHEN "TRICK MY TRUCK" FIRST CAME OUT I THOUGHT ABOUT GOING TO JOPLIN WITH ONE OF THOSE T-SHIRT BAGS YOU GET FROM WAL-MART WITH A,

"PIECE OF A "MUD-FLAP"

ALONG WITH

"TWO BENT "LUG NUT COVERS"

AND ASK THEM IF THEY COULD

"TRICK MY TRUCK".

I got to thinking the other day that there sure seems to be a lot of them "New Student Drivers" taking the ''Hoods Off'' a lot of the trucks that are parked in the Truck Stops.

I figure if just One, of the "Major Truck Stop Chains", would put

"Cameras On All The Light Poles In The Parking Lot".

After a year they would have "Enough Episodes" to start their own "mini series" and they could call it;

"CLIP MY TRUCK"

==================================

"LOCAL ROCK HAULERS"

I HEARD A COUPLE OF LOCAL ROCK HAULERS ON THE RADIO THE OTHER DAY COMPLAINING BECAUSE THEY HAD TO GO OUT OF TOWN FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS. I GOT ON THE RADIO AND SAID,

''DAMM DRIVERS",

I'VE BEEN OUT HERE ON THE ROAD THIS TIME FOR SO LONG, I WAS WATCHING THE "FLINTSTONES" THIS MORNING AND

''WILMA'' STARTED LOOKING GOOD.

"BETTY'' ALWAYS DID LOOK GOOD.

''WILMA'' USE TO WEAR THAT SAME OLD LEATHER SKIRT ALL THE TIME

BUT

"WHAT DO YOU EXPECT"

"BEING MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO MESSES AROUND THEM"

''DAMM ROCK HAULERS''.

==================================

''HAND HELD CB'S''

Years ago I went out west one time with another Driver know as "Circut Tracer". When we got to the TA in Ontario I ended up trading some of my "Rooster Crusin" tapes for a couple of brand new "Hand Held CB's".

A couple days later when we were headed back East Bound, we were strollin' across Arizonia, I was Driving, when someone on the radio said,

"What's It Look Like Behind Ya East Bound"?

I grabbed my mic and told them that I had not seen anything for some time

and he then asked,

"Who Is That In That East Bound Crump Truck"?

I said, "Passin Thru"!

All the sudden this guy started cussin' me up and down so I started telling him just what I thought of the situation. He was telling me to pull over. I was telling him I was getting off on this next off ramp, and about that time,

"Circut Tracer"

fell through the sleeper curtain between the seats laughing his ass off still talking to me on one of those

"Hand Held CB's".

==================================

"BRAND NEW PETE"

THESE NEW TRUCKS ARE SOMETHING ELSE.

I WAS SITTING IN A ''BRAND NEW PETE'' THE OTHER DAY AND WHEN I LEANED FORWARD IT PUT PRESSURE ON MY BELLY AND IT MADE ME ''FART''.

YOU KNOW, THAT COMPUTER ON THAT TRUCK SENT ME AN "E-MAIL" AND TOLD ME TO

''STOP IT''!

IT SAID;

''STORED IN MEMORY UNDER ''FUEL LEAK"!

WHAT A DEAL!

==================================

"DOGS IN TRUCKS"

DO YOU KNOW WHY SOME DRIVERS CARRY DOGS IN THEIR TRUCKS?

BECAUSE,

''SHEEP"

"WOULD MAKE IT JUST A LITTLE BIT TOO OBVIOUS''!

==================================

"SAFE SEX"

DO YOU HOW "COW HAULERS" ARE PRACTICING

"SAFE SEX"?

"THEY ARE PUTTING X'S ON THE ONES THAT KICK"!

==================================

Do you know what you get when a

"Cow Hauler" and a "Chicken Hauler" hit head on.

"Do you know what you get"?

"Steak and Eggs".

==================================

"BIG PRETTY CANARY YELLOW COW TRUCK"

About 20 years ago me and friend of mine I grew up with rented us one of those "Lincoln Town Cars" for a week and we went down to the "French Quarters" and then on over to El Paso and back into Wichita. I had hooked us up a "CB Radio" of course for the trip and we were on I-35 North almost to the "Kansas line" and as we were coming up on those "Rest Areas" around the 226 yard stick in Oklahoma when this gal came over the radio and said

"If anybody wants any company go down to Channel 15".

So I jumped down on 15 and said,

"Where You At"?.

She said she was in the "South Bound Rest Area".

Looking ahead over in the "Northbound Rest Area" there was this

"Big Pretty Canary Yellow Cow Truck"

parked right there when you go in and when she asked "Where Was I At"? Thats when I told her I was in this "North Bound Pickel Park" over here in this

"Big Pretty Canery Yellow Cow Truck".

She said she was just over there and that I had told her that I didnt want any company.

I said "I Know Baby" but I've Changed My Mind".

I said you looked so go leaving awhile ago just come on back over here. I told her that I would be in the sleeper waiting on her.

Well as we passed by it just so happened that Driver was in his sleeper. He was probably just making him a "Line" on his Log Book.

Anyway, She said she was on her way so I then told her that the "Passinger Door" would be unlocked but, you have to "Yank On It Real Hard" a couple times to get it to open "Because It Sticks".

As we passed by I looked in my mirror and there she went running across the median. And I have always wondered to this day,

What ever happened at that

"Big Pretty Canery Yellow Cow Truck In That North Bound Pickle Park!

==================================

"LEVI JEANS"

I WAS SITTING AT THE PETRO IN "WEST MEMPHIS" ONE NIGHT AND I GOT ON THE RADIO AND SAID,

"ATTENTION ALL DRIVERS"!

I JUST GOT UNLOADED OVER HERE AT ONE OF THESE LOCAL WAREHOUSES AND I HAD 24 PALLETS OF BRAND NEW "LEVI JEANS" ON MY TRAILER.

THE GUY THAT WAS RUNNING THE "FORK LIFT" RAN THE FORKS THROUGH ONE OF THE PALLETS.

THERE WERE ONLY "SIX OR SEVEN PAIRS" OF JEANS THAT WERE DAMAGED BUT, THE WAREHOUSE WENT AHEAD AND REJECTED THE WHOLE PALLET. SO I NOW HAVE,

A WHOLE PALLET FULL OF BRAND NEW "LEVI JEANS" AND I'M GOING TO LET THEM GO FOR $5.OO A PAIR JUST TO GET RID OF THEM.

ALL THE SUDDEN THE RADIO WAS "FULL OF DRIVERS" WANTING TO KNOW WHERE I WAS AT. I TOLD THEM WHERE I WAS BUT THE ONLY THING IS THAT I ONLY HAD ONE SIZE. WHEN THIS DRIVER ASKED ME WHAT SIZE I HAD. THATS WHEN I CAME BACK AND TOLD HIM,

"THE ONLY SIZE I HAVE IS"

"54-30's"!

==================================

''CHROME BELT BUCKLE''

I GOT SOMETHING FOR "CHRISTMAS'' LAST YEAR THAT

ALL YOU DRIVERS NEED.

IT WAS A ''CHROME BELT BUCKLE''

WITH A ''MISTLETOE'' ON IT!

==================================

''THE ATLANTA LOOP"

Back in the early 80's I was driving for "Cook Transport" out of Birmingham Alabama and one of our accounts was hauling "Fire Hydrants" out of Albertville. Me and another Driver "CheeseBurger" had just got loaded and we were both going to "South Florida" with our loads. We were on the south side of the "285 Loop" down there in Atlanta getting ready to get on "I-75 South".

We were just crusin' along in the far right lane and there was this "Snyder Truck" to the left of us a couple lanes over. We were runnin' along and O' Snyder was trying to keep a little ahead of us when I looked over there and I seen him looking up in the air. He was looking at this "Big 727" that was comeing in to land and it was going to be crossing over the freeway right in front of us.

Now this was back before they built that "Big Tunnel" down there on the Loop where the runways now go over the Freeway. At this time there was just "A Big Hill" where the runway started right up against the Loop and these planes would fly over the freeway to catch the start of the runway.

"O' Snyder" had his seat scooted all the way up, with his seat belt and shoulder strap on, and his hands at the "10-2" position. He was looking over there at this "Big Plane" and I always had a "loud radio" and I grabbed my mic and said;

"Eagle To Tower",
"Eagle To Tower".
"Request Permission To Land Runway Three Eight Seven".

I then covered my mic up a little bit and said;
"Permission Granted".

"O' Snyder" has really got his eyes fixed on this plane at this time.

I then said;
"Ladies And Gentleman" If you look out both sides of the plane you can see the "South Side Of The Loop" that goes around Atlanta and

"Look at all those "Truck Drivers" down there".

Now at this time ''Snyder'' was really looking up there as this Plane was fixin' to cross over the freeway ''right in front of us''. You could see the Captain up there in the cockpit and all the Passengers looking around and just at the right time I said,

"Snyder what are you doing lookin' up here"?
"Keep your eyes on the road down there".

That "Snyder Driver" swerved over towards my truck, put me and "CheeseBurger" both on the shoulder, ''Damm near in the ditch". We couldn't say anything because we were both laughing so hard we couldn't even breathe.

It was just too funny.

Anyway, after all the excitement was over we went ahead and got on "75 South" and when we crossed the scales down there at Forsyth "CheeseBurger" and I had pulled over to check our chains on our loads. We looked up and here come that "Snyder Driver" crossing the scales. He goes by and we both waved. We left the scales and got back out there on the big road and a few miles down the road went around him. After a couple minutes I grabbed my mic once again and said;

"How about that Snyder Truck that just came out of the "South Bound Scales".

He comes back and said;
"Yea Go Ahead".

I said;
"Was that you going around the Loop up there in Atlanta awhile ago".

He said;
"Yes I Did".

I said;
"Was that guy in that plane talking to you"?

He said;
"Yea He Was, I Couldn't Believe It" !
He said;
"You would at least think they would go down to another channel".

After Damm near going off the road again from Laughing so hard I grabbed my mic and said;
"Yea usually they go down to channel 15 when they are Landing"!

About that time this other Driver that was in range come over the radio and said, He just could not believe what he was hearing.
"CheeseBurger grabbed his mic and said";

"O' Believe It Driver,

I'M A WITTNESS"!

NOW BELIEVE IT OR NOT THAT IS A TRUE STORY.

================================

"THE DISPATCH"

THEY HAVE ALL THESE NEW "PATCHES'' NOW DAYS THAT KEEP YOU FROM SMOKEING AND KEEP YOU FROM GAINING WEIGHT. WELL I'M DESIGNING A NEW PATCH THAT IS DESIGNED FOR A CERTAIN GROUP OF PEOPLE OUT HERE AND IT'S DESIGNED TO KEEP YOU FROM LYING.

IT'S CALLED ''THE DISPATCH''!

IT STANDS FOR,

''DISHONEST"

PEOPLE

AGAINST

TRUCKERS

COMEING

HOME!

==============================

"PASSIN' A SNYDER TRUCK"

I WENT AROUND A ''SNYDER TRUCK" ONE TIME AND HE JUST KEPT FLIPPING HIS HEADLIGHTS ON AND OFF.
SO I HOLLERED BACK THERE AT HIM AND SAID,

HEY SNYDER ARE YOU "HAVING TROUBLE" OR SOMETHING?

HE SAID, NO WHY?

I SAID, THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP FLIPPING YOUR "HEADLIGHTS" ON AND OFF?

HE SAID, WELL "DIDNT YOU READ THAT SIGN".

I SAID, "WHAT SIGN"?

HE SAID, THAT SIGN SAID:

"HEADLIGHTS ON WHEN USING WIPERS"!

I SAID, WELL DAMM DRIVER "THE SUN IS SHINNING".

HE SAID,

I KNOW BUT

"I'M WASHING MY WINDSHIELD"!

==============================

"NEW EMPLOYMENT"

I THINK I'M JUST GOING TO GET ME A "CARDBOARD SIGN" AND STAND OUT THERE ON ONE OF THE "OFF RAMPS" AND MAKE A LIVING HOLDING THAT SIGN. SOME OF THESE PEOPLE ARE MAKING A KILLIN'. I FIGURE IF I WAS HONEST ABOUT IT PEOPLE WOULD HELP ME OUT.

I COULD GO TO JOPLIN AND WORK "EXIT 4" THERE ON THE WEST BOUND SIDE WHERE THEY HAVE THAT RED LIGHT. I COULD MAKE ME A SIGN UP THAT SAID;

"I'M NOT HUNGRY AND I'M NOT HOMELESS"!
"I JUST WANTED TO SEE HOW MUCH MONEY I COULD MAKE STANDING HERE HOLDING THIS SIGN"!

AFTER I STARTED MAKING A LITTLE MONEY I COULD GET ME A "CHROME BUCKET" WHERE DRIVERS COULD GO BY AND THROW THEIR CHANGE IN IT AND AFTER AWHILE I COULD EVEN GET ME A "HAND HELD CB" SO I COULD TALK TO THE DRIVERS AS THEY WERE COMING UP THE RAMP AND I COULD GO BY,

"CHICKEN TRAMP ON THE RAMP"!

==============================

I REALLY DON'T GET ALONG WITH "MOST BROKERS" OUT THERE AND THIS IS JUST A LITTLE TUNE I WROTE JUST FOR THEM.

IT'S CALLED;

"BROKERTENSION"

"IT GOES LIKE THIS"

WELL IF IT'S TRUCKIN' THEY WANT,
"YOU CAN DO IT".

AND IF YOUR LOADS RUNNING LATE,
"AIN'T NOTHING TO IT".

FLY PAST THOSE "TALL TALL TREES",
WHILE YOU'RE "SPEAKIN' CHICKENEZE",
BECAUSE "THAT LEFT LANE WAS MADE FOR YOU".

AND IF YOU WENT AND PICKED UP,
"AH' LOAD OF CHICKEN".

IF YOU FORGOT TO CALL IN,
"YOUR BROKERS BITCHIN'".

BUT YOU CAN SET HIS MIND AT EASE,
ONCE AGAIN "SPEAK CHICKENEZE",
AND TO DO HIS PAPERWORK "WILL NOT BE MENTIONED".

SO WHEN YOU GET HIS UNDIVIDED,
"ATTENTION".

AND TO KEEP THIS MAN FROM
"MESSIN' WITH YOUR PENSION".

WHEN IT COMES TO PAY,
HE BETTER HOPE THERE'S NO DELAY,
BECAUSE HE JUST WON'T LOOK GOOD "WEARING YOUR SUSPENSION".

AND THE NAME OF THIS TUNE IS "BROKERTENSION"

"BLINK BLINK

"FLASH FLASH"

AND

"ALL THAT OTHER TRUCKER TRASH".

==============================

"NICE LOOKING FLAT TOP"

I SEEN A NICE LOOKING "FLAT TOP" THE OTHER DAY AND I GRABBED MY MIC AND SAID;

"MAN THAT'S A NICE LOOKING "FLAT TOP".

THAT DRIVER SAID, "THANK YOU DRIVER"!

I SAID, "YOUR TRUCK LOOKS GOOD TOO

BUT,

"I WAS TALKING ABOUT "YOUR HAIR CUT"!

==============================

"POINTS WEST"

I went to work for "Points West" one time and when I got out west and got unloaded. I had to go work for another company just to get back home because they didn't have any

"Points East" Trailers.

I ended up going to work for this company that was paying me by

"Marlboro Miles".

What a deal!

==============================

"FREE TURKEY DINNERS"

Do you remember years ago when the "Truck Stops" used to give out those "Free Turkey Dinners" on Thanksgiving?

Well they don't do that so much anymore but Drivers, they still want to show how they "Appreciate Your Business"

by

"GIVING YOU THE BIRD".

==============================

"ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE"!

BACK IN THE EARLY 90'S "TA" BOUGHT THE OLD 76 TRUCKSTOP ON THE WEST SIDE OF OKC. WELL WHEN THEY WERE REMODELING, I WENT IN AND TALKED THE RESTAURANT MANAGER INTO TAKING ALL THE PHONES OUT OF THE BOOTHS AND REPLACING THEM WITH

"CB RADIO'S".

HE THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT IDEA AT FIRST BUT IT ONLY LASTED FOR A "COUPLE DAYS" BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW THEM DRIVERS ARE.

"WHAT BOOTH YOU IN ASSHOLE"?

"WHY DON'T YOU MEET ME AT THE BUFFET"!

"PULL THAT BOOTH OVER".

I WOULD ALWAYS TELL THEM IF YOU WANT TO FIGHT AND ARGUE, LETS GO DOWN TO CHANNEL 15.

"I'M UNDEFEATED ON 15"!

''I'LL PUT YOUR RADIO IN A ''FULL NELSON''!

=============================

"CAT SCALES"

IN THE NEAR FUTURE WHEN YOU PULL UP ON A ''CAT SCALE'' THERE IS GOING TO BE A ''HELMET'' THERE YOU CAN PUT ON.

FOR A "FEW EXTRA DOLLARS" YOU CAN PUT THIS "HELMET'' ON AND GET A ''CAT SCAN'' WHILE YOU AXLE OUT.

''I THINK THIS SHOULD BE"

"MANDATORY"!

=============================

''OVER WEIGHT"

I WAS AT "EXIT 140" WEST OF OKC THE OTHER DAY AND THIS DRIVER GOT ON THE RADIO AND SAID "HE HAD A PROBLEM".

HE SAID HE WAS "200 LBS" OVER ON HIS "STEERING AXLE" AND THAT HE ALREADY HAD THAT "5TH WHEEL" SLID ALL THE WAY BACK AND HE SAID HE DIDNT KNOW WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO.

WELL I WILL ALWAYS HELP ANOTHER DRIVER OUT ANYTIME I CAN. SO, I WALKED OVER THERE TO HIS TRUCK AND WHEN HE OPENED THAT DOOR, MAN!

THIS GUY WAS HUGE. HE MUST OF WEIGHED A GOOD "500 LBS".

I TOLD HIM TO JUST

"SLIDE THAT SEAT BACK ABOUT 5 NOTCHES"

AND WHEN HE DID,

IT TOOK THAT 200 LBS. OFF HIS STEERING AND PUT IT BACK THERE ON HIS DRIVES.

=============================

"THE DELETE FLEET"

I WAS GOING TO START MY OWN TRUCKING COMPANY LAST WEEK AND I WAS GOING TO CALL IT

''THE DELETE FLEET''.

WHEN I HIT ''DELETE'' ON THE "COMPUTER" IT ERASED EVERYTHING.

''MY TRUCKS HAVE DISAPPEARED''!

I GOT PEOPLE OUT THERE RIGHT NOW LOOKING FOR MY TRUCKS.

"HAVE YOU SEEN MY TRUCKS"?

=============================

"PUPPIES WITH PAPERS"

I WAS UP THERE AT THE PETRO AT "EXIT 4" WEST OF JOPLIN HERE AWHILE BACK AND THIS GAL WAS ON THE RADIO SAYING SHE WAS GIVING AWAY ''PUPPIES'' AND SHE SAID THEY CAME WITH ''PAPERS".

I WENT OVER THERE AND SHE GAVE ME ''A PUPPY'' WITH

''TWO ZIG ZAGS''!

=============================

"MIDDLE EAST STORM"

I GUESS THEY HAD A BIG STORM THAT HIT OVER THERE IN THEM HILLS IN "AFGANISTAN" THE OTHER DAY AND IT KILLED "THOUSANDS" OF THE TALABAN.

"THEY ESTIMATED $140.00 WORTH OF DAMAGE".

ALSO,

THE WEATHER MAN SAID THERE WERE SHOWERS OVER THERE TODAY

"BUT WASENT ANYBODY WAS USEING THEM".

=============================

"ADD IN NEWSPAPER"

I WAS LOOKING FOR A DRIVER ONE TIME AND I HAD PUT ME AN ADD IN THE PAPER THAT SAID;

"WANTED"!

"DARK COMPLECTED MAN".

"MUST BE "FLEXABLE" AND "WILLING TO TRAVEL".

I HAD ONE OF THOSE "RAG HEADS" CALL ME SO

"I TOLD HIM I NEEDED A "MUD- FLAP"!

=============================

"24 HOUR TIRE SHOP"

THERE'S THIS GUY DOWN THERE IN OCLA FLORIDA AND YOU'LL HEAR HIM ON THE RADIO IN THE MORNINGS HE'LL SAY,

''OK DRIVERS"

"THE 24 HOUR TIRE SHOP IS NOW OPEN''.

''IF ITS A 24 HOUR TIRE SHOP WASENT IT OPEN AWHILE AGO''.

=============================

"NASHVILLE TA"

I WAS GOING BY "THE TA IN NASHVILLE" THE OTHER DAY AND THIS GAL HOLLERED AT ME ON THE RADIO AND WANTED TO KNOW IF I WAS ONE OF THOSE "10-4 TRUCK DRIVERS".

I SAID, ''WHAT IN THE HELL IS A

"10-4 TRUCK DRIVER''?

SHE SAID,

''THATS A DRIVER THATS GOT"

"10 INCHES LONG" AND "4 INCHES ROUND".

SHE SAID,

'' NOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT A

"10-4 TRUCK DRIVER IS''?

I SAID,

'' 5-2''!

=============================

"JB HUNT DRIVER"

THIS JB DRIVER PULLED THROUGH THE FUEL ISLAND AND WENT INSIDE THE "JESSUP TRUCK STOP". WHEN HE CAME WALKING BACK OUT TO HIS TRUCK SOMEONE HAD JUMPED IN HIS TRUCK AND WAS DRIVING OFF.

JB RAN BACK INSIDE AND CALLED THE POLICE. WHEN THE POLICE GOT THERE, JB TOLD THEM HE LEFT HIS TRUCK RUNNING AND DIDNT LOCK HIS DOOR.

THE COP SAID, "YOU SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST "LOCKED YOUR TRUCK JB".
JB SAID, "THE GUY IS REALLY STUPIED".

THE COP SAID, "WHY IS THAT JB".

JB SAID, "BECAUSE THIS GUY IS CAUGHT".

HE DONT KNOW IT BUT,

"THERE IS NO WAY HE IS GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS".

THE COP SAID, "HOW DO YOU FIGURE JB".

"JB REPLIED"

"BECAUSE",

"I WROTE DOWN THE TAG NUMBER AS HE WAS DRIVING OFF".

"JB HUNT"

"PARTY OF 17"

"YOUR SHOWER IS NOW READY"!

=============================

"MEXICAN DRIVE BY"

One morning while drinking my early cup of coffee I figured out the perfect word for a,

"Mexican Drive By Shooting".

"CAP-AH-CHINO"

I'M ALSO COMEING OUT WITH THIS NEW ''CAN FILTER'' FOR THE CB RADIO.

THIS IS STILL A FREE COUNTRY AND THIS FILTER IS DESIGNED SO WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO ANY,
"MEXICANS'' OR ''AFRICANS"

YOU JUST DELETE THEM OUT.

"THAT NEW "CAN" FILTER"

=============================

"OKC PETRO"

I was at the Petro in Oklahoma City the other day and this Driver was on the radio saying that he had just bought him a "Brand New Truck". He was telling everyone that he will sure be glad when he gets his

"New Truck Broke In".

So, when he went into the Restaurant to eat,

( That's Right Drivers )

"I Broke In His Truck"

I grabbed his "CB Radio" and then went in the Truck Stop and found him. I walked over to him and said,

Hey Driver, "Do you want to buy a Radio"?
He looked at it and said, "Well I got one just like it." I then asked him, "What did you pay for the one you got?" He said, "Ah Hundred Dollars."

I said, "Well I'll sell this one for "Fourty". He said, "Okay, I'll take it but I got to go over to the ATM machine to get the money."

I said, "Well hold on a second". I said, Here's your ATM card. I put your Pin Number on the back for ya." I said, "While you are gone, Do you want me to "Catch Up" your log book?" He said, "Sure Go Ahead."

So, when he left I opened his log book up and

"POURED "KETCHUP" IN IT".

=============================

"JESSUP TRUCK STOP"

NOTE: I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT THEY HAVE SURE CLEANED UP THE "TA" THERE IN "JESSUP MARYLAND".

( THE PARKING LOT ANYWAY )

THAT TRUCK STOP USE TO HAVE;

"FRONT ROW"

"MIDDLE ROW"

"PARTY ROW"

"AND DEATH ROW"

=============================

"LOCK NESS MONSTER"

Now I know you Drivers have heard about the "Lock Ness Monster" over there in Scottland?

Well over here in the United States there is a "Small Body Of Water" where witnesses are now saying they have seen a "Small Creature" slipping back into this water with his arms full of

"Load Locks".

The body of water is located behind the old "Pilot Truck Stop" over there in "West Memphis" and they are calling this the

"LOAD LOCK MONSTER".

=============================

"TEAM SWIFT DRIVERS"

I was sitting in a "McDonalds" parking lot the other day and I seen this sign on the side of this "Swift Truck" that was parked beside me that said,

"TEAM OPERATION"

( In Case Of Accident Check Sleeper ).

About that time these two Drivers came walking out to their truck. When they got up to their truck I said "Hey Drivers",

"Did you hear they have an accident a mile down the road".

They both immediately jumped up inside that truck and

"Started Checking That Sleeper".

=============================

"BLACK & YELLOW SIGN"

There is a small "Black & Yellow"sign on the Passenger Door of all "Swift Trucks" that says,

"YOU ARE IN MY BLIND SPOT"

Well I heard they were going to "Blow" that sign up

"100 Times Bigger"

and they are going to put it

"ON BOTH SIDES OF THEIR TRAILERS".

=============================

"JUST A FEW REASONS WHY "YOU'RE PROBABLY A CHICKENHAULER"!

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO CONVINCE JB THAT "POON TANG" IS THE CAPITAL OF TAIWAN.

IF YOU HAVE LOTS OF "JEWELERS ROUGE", BUT DONT EVEN WEAR JEWELRY.

WHEN RETIREING FROM TRUCKIN', IF YOU HAVE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT PUTTING A ''CONEX BOARD'' IN YOUR ''HEARING AID''.

IF YOU'VE EVER THOUGHT OF HAVING THE "OIL CHANGED ON YOUR CB ANTENNA".

IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND THE FIRST THING YOU HEAR IS,
"ANYBODY WANT TO BUY A BLANKET''?

IF YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A "WINEO" AND A ''LINEO''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER ASKED ANOTHER DRIVER IF HE HAS EVER SEEN AN "ASSHOLE WRAPPED IN PLASTIC". THEN TOLD HIM TO LOOK AT HIS DRIVERS LICENSE.

IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND THAT HAS A DIFFERENT MEANING WHEN HE SAYS, ''I'LL CALL YOU FROM MY CELL PHONE".

IF YOU THINK MCT MEANS "MEXICAN CHICKEN TRUCK".

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SELL A "THREE STAGE JAKE BREAK" FOR A PUSH LAWN MOWER.

IF YOU'VE EVER ASKED FOR A "JUMP", A "BUMP", AND A "BUTTON FOR YOUR PUMP".

IF YOU'VE EVER SOLD A RADIO THATS BEEN "PEAKED & TWEEKED'' MEANING, IT'S BEEN TURNED UP AND COMES WITH ''SQUELCH MONSTERS''.

IF YOU LIKE HEARING WORDS LIKE ''SALINAS'', ''NOGALES'', AND ''HUNTS POINT''.

IF YOUR ''MUD FLAPS'' COST YOU YOUR WHOLE PAY CHECK.

IF YOU HEAR THE WORDS JB HUNT AND INSTANTLY THINK "TINKER TOYS''.

IF YOU PINCH YOUR WAITRESS ON THE ASS, WITH YOUR WIFE SITTING "RIGHT NEXT TO YOU".

IF YOUR SENTENCES BEGIN WITH ''UH'' AND END WITH ''COME ON BEC''.

IF YOU HAVE "MORE ALTERNATORS" ON YOUR TRUCK THAN YOU HAVE BATTIRES.

IF YOU TELL YOU DISPATCHER, YOUR GIRLFRIEND LIVES IN FONTANA AND HER NAME IS ''LUCY''.

IF YOU THINK "SWIFT DRIVERS'' "AINT REAL SWIFT".

IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE MEANING TO THE WORD ''CRANKSHAFT''.

IF YOU CAN RELATE TO ''TWO STICKS'' AND ''TOOTH PICKS''. YOU'RE PROBABLY A CHICKENHAULER THAT KNOWS A''BULL HAULER''.

IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND BOTH OF YOUR BACK POCKETS ARE FULL OF ''MILE MARKERS''.

IF YOU THINK CDL STANDS FOR ''CHICKENHAULER DRIVERS LICENSE'' OR ''CHICKENHAULER DELIVERING LOADS''.

IF YOU THINK CB STANDS FOR ''CHICKEN BROADCASTER".

IF YOU THINK TRIPLE C MEANS, ''CAN'T CATCH CHICKENTRUCKS''.

IF YOU THINK THE WORD CHICKEN MEANS, A ''CHICKEN HAULIN' CAT KICKIN' ENGINE''.

IF YOU THINK CRST MEANS, ''CHICKEN REJECT STRAIGHT TRAILER''.

IF YOU DRINK RC COLA BECAUSE IN YOUR OWN MIND THE RC STANDS FOR ''ROOSTER CRUSIN''.

IF YOU DRINK CC AND COKE BECAUSE TO YOU THIS IS A ''CHICKEN COCKTAIL''.

IF YOU ARE LISTENING TO YOU POLICE SCANNER AND START TO FEEL BAD BECAUSE THEY DONT SAY "B-BOY "C-CHICKEN''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER USED YOUR RADIO TO ''JUMP START A HARLEY''.

IF YOUR IDEA OF A "COOK OUT" IS ROASTING HOT DOGS AND MARSHMALLOWS ON YOUR ''CB ANTENNA''.

IF YOUR MICRAPHONE DOES LOTS OF ''BUNGY JUMPIN''.

IF YOU ARE ASKING FOR "LUCILLE'' AND YOU'RE NOT IN A BAR IN TOLEDO.

IF YOU MAKE A ''LINE'' ON YOUR LOG BOOK "WITHOUT EVEN OPENING IT".

IF YOU SAY, YOUR JUST LOOKING IN THE MIRROR WONDERING IF THERE ARE ANY "FRIENDS OF YOURS HERE".

IF YOU HAVE ''STRECH MARKS'' ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR FINGERS.

IF YOU HAVE EVER CHECKED YOUR WEIGHT ON SCALES CALLED ''TRIPLE BEAMS''.

IF A REAL NICE LOOKING GIRL IS GIVING YOU A PHYSICAL AND ''BUMPING THE DOCK'' COMES TO MIND.

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SELL ''STYRAPOME GAS CANS''.

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SEEL ''CORDLESS EXTENSION CORDS WITH A GROUND WIRE''.

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SELL A 7 BAND RADAR DETECTOR WITH ''X-BAND, K-BAND, KA-BAND, "WITH FOUR RUBBER BANDS''.

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SELL ''ANTIQUE DIGITAL GRANDFATHER CLOCKS".

IF YOU HAVE A ''NO LOT LIZZARD'' SIGN ON YOUR TRUCK BUT, LET THEM IN ANYWAY.

IF YOU THINK LOT LIZZARDS CUT THE STRING OFF THEIR TAMPEX JUST TO KEEP THE CRABS FROM ''BUNGY JUMPIN''.

NOW IF YOU THINK THEY USE THIS STRING FOR "DENTAL FLOSS"!

WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE SPECIAL, AND YOU OFFER TO TAKE THEM OUT TO A "MOVIE" AND THEN TO A "LATE DINNER", AND WITH PRIDE, YOU TAKE THEM TO THE "PETRO THEATER" AND THEN WALK THEM OUT THERE TO THE "BUFFET";

IF YOU PROMISED TO TAKE YOUR WIFE OUT FOR DINNER ON HER BIRTHDAY AND YOU ORDERED "CHICKEN WINGS'', "FROM A CHROME SHOP''!

IF YOU HAVE EVER SEEN A "BEAR IN THE AIR" WITH A SET OF PORTABLES.

IF YOU HAVE "MORE POWER" COMING OUT OF YOUR TRUCK THAN YOU HAVE UNDER YOUR TRUCK.

IF YOUR TRUCK AND YOUR RADIO BOTH, "DO TRIPLE DIGITS".

IF YOU GO DOWN TO A LOWER CHANNEL AND BREAK FOR "THE SPACE SHUTTLE".

NOW IF HOUSTON COMES BACK AND SAYS "DRIVER, "THEY ARE ALL ASLEEP RIGHT NOW".

IF YOU HAVE LESS THAN "2 POUNDS OF AIR PRESURE" IN YOUR DRIVERS SEAT.

IF YOU "WASH YOUR TRUCK" MORE THAN YOU WASH YOUR CLOTHS.

IF YOU THINK "CHICKEN WIRE" AND "WESTERN UNION" ARE THE SAME THING.

IF YOU'RE IN THE LEFT LANE 60% OF THE TIME AND SPEND THE OTHER 40% "TRING TO GET OUT THERE".

IF YOU THINK "COLONAL SANDERS" IS ONE OF THE MAIN LEADERS OF OUR COUNTRY.

IF YOU KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT WHAT STATE "KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN ORIGINATED IN".

IF YOU HAVE A REEFER ON YOUR TRAILER AND "REEFER IN YOUR TRAILER".

IF YOU THINK "MIRICAL GROW" MEANS "REEFER FUEL".

IF YOU RECEIVE WITH AN "AUDIO KING", TRANSMITT WITH A "ROAD KING", AND SLEEP WITH A "THERMO KING".

IF YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO GET SAVED AT "CHURCHS CHICKEN".

IF BOTH YOUR TRAILER AND YOUR SLEEPER SOMETIMES "SMELLS LIKE FISH".

IF YOUR AT HOME AND YOUR WIFE TELLS YOU TO GO OUT TO GET SOME "OLIVE OIL" AND YOU GO TO "POPEYES CHICKEN" AND ASK FOR HER.

IF YOU GO TO A LUMBER YARD TO TRY TO BUY A "CONEX-BOARD".

IF YOU'RE AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE GETTING A CHECK UP AND YOU "PULL OUT YOUR OWN THEMOMETER".

IF YOU'VE EVER HOLLARD ON YOUR RADIO, "HEY BOBTAIL, DID YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE ANY TRAILER LIGHTS".

IF YOU ARE BEHIND YOUR TRACTOR PUTTING GREASE ON YOUR 5TH WHEEL, AND IT REMINDS YOU OF "A GIRL YOU USE TO KNOW".

IF YOU HAVE A "WIFE IN YOUR TRUCK" BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE SINGLE.

IF YOU ARE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD AT NIGHT AND AN "AIRPLANE MISTAKENLY LANDS ON YOUR TRAILER".

IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN ASKED TO "DIM YOUR CHICKENLIGHTS".

IF YOU LOOK FOR A "NICE QUIET FLATBED WITH THE WINDOWS DOWN" TO PARK NEXT TO.

IF YOU'RE RUNNING WITH ANOTHER TRUCK FROM JOPLIN TO PITTSBURG PA. AND YOU VOLUNTEER TO RUN THE DOOR IN MISSOURI AND INDIANNA, AND YOU VOLUNTEER HIM TO "RUN THE DOOR IN ILLINOIS AND OHIO".

IF YOU'RE WALKING AROUND IN K-MART AND YOU SEE ONE OF THOSE "BLUE LIGHT SPECIALS" COME ON, AND WITH OUT THINKING YOU REACH UP FOR YOUR MIC WHILE LOOKING DOWN FOR A MILE-MARKER.

IF YOU'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR SO LONG THAT WHEN WATCHING THE FLINTSTONES "WILMA STARTS LOOKING GOOD".

IF YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO CONVENCE SMOKEY BEAR THAT YOU WERE TRING TO PICK UP A CIGARETTE THAT YOU HAD DROPED ON THE FLOOR AND "REALLY DID'NT REALIZE YOU WERE GOING 107 MILES AN HOUR".

IF IT COST YOU MORE THAN "$35.00 IN VELCRO" JUST TO CHANGE TRUCKS.

IF YOU HAVE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT PUTTING "CHICKEN LIGHTS" ON YOUR WIFE'S "KIRBY".

IF YOU HAVE "MORE TOYS ON YOUR RADIO" THAN YOUR KIDS HAVE IN THEIR TOY BOX.

IF YOU HAVE MORE LIGHTS ON YOUR TRUCK THAN YOU HAD ON YOUR "CHRISTMAS TREE".

IF YOUR FAVORITE COLOR IS "CHROME".

IF YOU GO TO WORK FOR "DICK SIMON'' AND DONT PICK UP YOU FIRST LOAD BECAUSE YOUR DISPATCHER FORGOT TO SAY ''SIMON SAYS''.

IF YOU TRY TO CONVENCE JB THAT UTAH HAS THE BIGGEST RANCH IN THE WORLD AND THATS WHY EVERYWHERE YOU GO IN THE STATE YOU SEE THAT
''RANCH EXIT''.

WHEN YOU SEE A SNYDER TRUCK AND INSTANTLY THINK ''DAY CARE CENTER''.

IF YOU'VE EVER HOLLERED ON YOUR RADIO, BREAK ONE NINE FOR SOME LOCAL ''NIMFO''.

IF YOU'VE EVER HOLLERED ON YOUR RADIO, ''TRUCK WASH, DETAIL SHOP, CHANNEL 22''.

IF YOU'VE EVER HAD ''SWINGIN' MEAT, LOADED IN YOUR SHINNEY HINNEY''.

IF YOU DRIVE DOWN EVERY ROW OF THE TRUCK STOP BEFORE YOU LEAVE, ''AT 2 MILES AN HOUR''.

IF EVERYTHING IS FINE WITH YOUR MOTOR BUT FOR SOME REASON YOU KEEP SAYING ''ROD NOCKER''.

IF YOU ASK FOR A RADIO CHECK 3 OR 4 TIMES A DAY, ''EVERY DAY''.

IF YOUR NOT A CARPENTER BUT YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO BE PUTTING DOWN YOUR ''HAMMER''.

IF YOU THINK THE NATIONS CAPITAL SHOULD BE ''CHICKENDALE ARKANSAS''.

IF YOU HAVE AN ESCORT ON YOUR DASH AND HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO HAVE AN "ESCORT IN YOUR SLEEPER".

IF YOU THINK THEY DONT CIRCUMSIZE DOT IN TEXAS BECAUSE IT GIVES THEM A PLACE TO PUT THEIR ''SCOAL'' WHEN THEY ARE EATING BREAKFAST.

IF YOU HAVE EVER TOLD ANOTHER DRIVER THAT HE HAS PROBABLY HAD HIS ''FROOT OF THE LOOMS'' ON FOR SO LONG, ''THAT THE GRAPES HAVE PROBABLY DONE TURNED TO "RASINS''.

IF YOU HAVENT SEEN A WOMAN FOR 2 DAYS BUT FOR SOME REASON YOU KEEP SAYING ''DO IT BABY''.

IF YOU THINK THE FCC STANDS FOR ''FEDERAL CHICKEN COMUNICATIONS''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER ASKED A FELLOW FEMALE TRUCK DRIVER IF SHE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN ''GOING 50-50 ON AN ORGASIUM''.

IF YOU HAVE A 10-2 SPREAD ON YOUR TRAILER AND SOMETIMES YOU "10-2 SPREAD SOMETHING ELSE IN YOUR SLEEPER".

IF YOU CAN REMEMBER YEARS AGO BEING IN EL PASO ASKING FOR ''BLACK MOLLY'' BUT HAVING TO SETTLE WITH A "COKE AND SOME ''M&M'S''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER TOLD ANOTHER DRIVER THAT THE BUMP YOU JUST HIT WAS SO BAD, IT KNOCKED EVERYTHING OFF THE FLOOR "BACK UP ON THE DASH".

IF YOU'VE EVER DREAMED OF PUTTING "CHICKEN LIGHTS ON YOUR ''HOUSE''.

IF FOR SOME REASON EVERY TIME YOU GO OUT WEST YOU ALWAYS WAIT UNTIL THE "LAST MINUTE TO LEAVE".

IF YOU'VE EVER TOLD AN ''ARROW DRIVER'' TO STOP AT THE STATE LINE IN ARIZONIA ON I-40, BECAUSE YOU SEEN A SIGN AT THE 359 THAT SAID, ''FREE ARROW HEAD''.

IF YOUY HAVE AN UNDECTABLE RADAR DETCETOR, A SCANNER, A DEPT FINDER, A TRAILBLAZER, A FLORESENT TUBE, BELONG TO LEGAL PAID SERVICES, HAVE A $50.00 BILL BEHIND YOUR DRIVERS LICENSES, AND STILL HAVE A "TICKET IN BOTH YOUR LOG BOOKS".

IF YOU THINK THE REASON THEY PUT SCREENS IN ALL THE ''URNALS'' IN THE TRUCK STOPS NOW IS TO KEEP THE STUDENT DRIVERS FROM EATING ''THE MINTS''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO SELL A "BUG SHIELD", TO ANOTHER DRIVER IN A ''CAB OVER''.

IF YOUR SHOWER CURTAIN AT HOME IS HELD UP WITH A "LOAD LOCK".

IF YOU HAVE A DOG NAMED "MUD FLAP" OR A CAT NAMED "SHRINK WRAP".

OR, IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN TOLD THAT ANOTHER DRIVER CAN'T SEE TO BACK IN, SO COULD YOU "PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR BUMBER".

''YOU'RE PROBABLY A CHICKENHAULER"

=====================================

''BUSINESS CARDS"

Years ago when I was living in my Truck there was always somebody walking up to my Truck with something to sale. Well I ended up having these Business Cards made up that I would hand out. I had a stack of them that I kept up there on the dash and when somebody would walk up to my Truck I would roll my window down, hand them one of my cards, and then roll my window back up.

The Card Read;

"A CARD JUST FOR YOU"

( on the other side it said )

NO, I dont want to buy any "Fake Jewelry".

NO, I dont need my "Wheels & Tanks Shinned

NO, I dont have any ''Spare Change"

NO, I dont want to buy any ''Commercial Company''.

and NO, you can't use my ''Damm Radio''.

Today I would have to add one more to the card.

NO, I don't want "Idle Air".

=====================================

"FIX-AH-DENT"

YEARS AGO I WAS AT THE OLD PILOT TRUCK STOP DOWN BY THE PETRO IN OKLAHOMA CITY AND THIS DRIVER WAS TRYING TO BACK IN TO PARK. HE GOT HIS BRAND NEW TRAILER UP AGAINST THE TRAILER NEXT TO HIM AND IT MADE A LITTLE RUB MARK AND SMALL DENT IN THE SIDE ABOUT 6 INCHES LONG. THIS DRIVER WAS SO SHOOK UP AND SO WORRIED ABOUT HIS OFFICE FINDING OUT THAT I THOUGHT I HAD BETTER TRY TO SET HIS MIND AT EASE AND TRY TO CALM HIM DOWN A LITTLE BIT.

SO I TOLD HIM THAT THEY SOLD SOMETHING IN THE TRUCK STOP THAT WOULD MAKE IT LOOK LIKE NEW AND YOU WOULDNT EVEN BE ABLE TO TELL IT HAPPENED SO "GET A GRIP" ON YOURSELF DRIVER. WELL AFTER WE FINALLY GOT HIM BACKED IN AND PARKED "HE FINALLY GOT A GRIP"AND AS I WAS WALKING OFF HE WAS ON HIS WAY IN THE TRUCK STOP TO ASK FOR SOME;

"FIX-AH-DENT"

=====================================

"RACE ACROSS ARIZONA"

I WENT BACK OUT ON THE ROAD FOR AWHILE BACK IN 2004 RUNNING MILITARY LOADS FOR "ALAN FARMER" OUT OF TUSCALOOSA ALABAMA. I WAS PULLING AN "RGN" TRAILER AND FOR YOU DRIVERS THAT DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS IT MEANS "REMOVABLE GOOSE NECK". IT'S WHAT A LOT OF YOU DRIVERS CALL A DOUBLE DROP. THIS TRAILER RIDES ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND. I HAD LOADED AT "MARINE CORP LOGISTICS" THERE IN BARSTOW OFF DAGGETT ROAD AND WAS GOING TO CHARLESTON SC. I LOADED 12 CRATES THAT WEIGHED ONLY 1,030 LBS. EACH THAT WERE "BIG ARMY TENTS" GOING TO "OUR TROOPS" IN IRAQ.

MY LOAD WAS A LITTLE OVER 12,000 LBS. AND WAS SITTIN' LOW TO THE GROUND. I WAS IN A 379 PETE ( THE ONE ON THE FRONT OF "THE REALITY OF TRUCKIN' CD" ) IT HAD A 550 CAT, 18 OVER AND I WAS CLIMBING THAT LITTLE HILL OVER THERE IN ARIZONA AROUND THE 46 YARD STICK RIGHT BEFORE YOU GET INTO KINGMAN. I WAS JUST CRUSIN ALONG AND WAS ON THE PHONE TALKING TO "DOLLAR" AN OLD COW HAULER FROM HEREFORD TEXAS WHEN ALL THE SUDDEN THIS "BIG PRETTY CHICKEN TRUCK" CAME CRUSIN BY ME. WELL AFTER HE MOVED BACK OVER IN LINE AND WE BOTH CLEARED THE TOP OF THE HILL WE WERE COMING UP ON THE "TA" THERE AT EXIT 48, WHEN THAT DRIVER GOT ON THE RADIO AND SAID;

"ANY OF YOU DRIVERS GOING EAST BOUND AND NEED THAT FRONT DOOR, IF YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP UP WITH ME COME ON LETS GO"!

I WAS STILL ON THE PHONE AND O' DOLLAR SAID;

"WHAT WAS THAT"?

I SAID, "O' THAT WAS ONE OF THOSE "CHICKENHAULERS" THAT THINKS HE'S GOT A FAST TRUCK".

AT THIS TIME WE ARE GETTING READY TO GO BY THE "TA" AND HE GETS ON THE RADIO AGAIN AND SAYS;

"ANY OF YOU DRIVERS GOING EAST BOUND AND NEED THAT FRONT DOOR, IF YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP UP WITH ME COME ON LETS GO"!

WELL AFTER HEARING HIM CUSSIN' ANOTHER DRIVER I DECIDED TO GET INVOLVED.

THAT'S WHEN I PUT MY PHONE ON SPEAKER PHONE AND I TOLD DOLLAR TO LISTEN TO THIS.

I GRABBED MY MIC AND SAID;

"JUST WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY DRIVER, DO YOU THINK YOUR TRUCK RUNS OR SOMETHING"?

HE COME BACK AND SAID;

"I KNOW MY TRUCK RUNS".

I THEN SAID;

"WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO". I'LL BET YOU A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL THAT YOU CAN'T GET ALONG SIDE ME AND TELL ME THE NAME ON THE SIDE OF MY TRUCK!

HE SAID;

"WHERE ARE YOU AT"?

THATS WHEN I SAID;

"I'M UP HERE IN FRONT OF YOU AT THE 51 YARD STICK GETTING READY TO GO BY THE FLYING HOOK"!

HE SAID;

"DO YOU HAVE ANY PROTECTION"?

I SAID;

"WELL HELL YES I GOT PROTECTION". AFTER TELLING HIM FIRST, "I HAD THREE CONDOMS AND A GLOCK", I THEN TOLD HIM SURE I GOT ALL THE PROTECTION A MAN NEEDS SO JUST COME ON UP HERE.

AND THAT DRIVER DONE JUST THAT, HE TOOK OFF AND WENT ON UP THERE.

NOW NOT REALIZING I WAS BEHIND HIM ALL THIS TIME I STAYED ABOUT A MILE BEHIND HIM AND HE WOULD RUN UP ON THOSE TRUCKS AND SAY;

"IS THIS YOU I'M COMING UP ON RIGHT HERE"?

AND I WOULD SAY;

"NO DRIVER THERE AIN'T NOBODY AROUND ME".

WE WERE RUNNING TRIPLE DIGITS WHEN HE WAS GOING DOWN HILL BUT I WOULD ALWAYS HAVE TO SLOW DOWN ON THE BIGGER UP GRADES TO KEEP FROM PASSING HIM. WHEN WE CLIMBED THAT BIG HILL OVER THERE BEFORE YOU GET TO WILLIAMS I WENT ON AROUND HIM AND HAD PULLED OVER ON TOP THE HILL AND WAS OUT THERE CHECKING MY LOAD WHEN HE WENT BY. NOW I REALLY CAN'T REMEMBER EVER GOING THROUGH FLAG THAT FAST BEFORE BUT TO MAKE THIS LONG STORY A LITTLE SHORTER WE ENDED UP GOING FROM THE 59 MILE MARKER TO THE 359 MILE MARKER IN JUST A LITTLE OVER 3 HOURS. IT WAS A NIGHT TO REMEMBER I GUARANTEE IT. ME AND DOLLAR STAYED ON THE PHONE UNTIL OUR PHONES WOULD GO DEAD OR LOOSE THE SIGNAL AND WE WERE REALLY JUST "HAVIN' TOO MUCH FUN"!

ANYWAY, WE CROSSED THAT NEW MEXICO LINE AND PULLED INTO THE SCALES THERE AT THE 11 YARD LINE AND I WAS RIGHT BEHIND HIM, JUST 2 TRUCKS BACK. RIGHT AFTER HE MADE IT THROUGH THE SCALES "HE ASKED ME "WHERE I WAS AT NOW"?

I TOLD HIM;

"I JUST CAME OUT OF THE SCALES DRIVER AND I JUST GOT BACK ON THE BIG ROAD"!

HE SAID;

"OK DRIVER, I'M FIXIN' TO CATCH YOU NOW, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO AHEAD AND GET THAT HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL OUT"!

WELL, I CLEARED THE SCALE HOUSE A FEW MINUTES LATER AND WAS GETTING READY TO GET OUT THERE ON THE BIG ROAD AND HE HOLLERED AT ME AGAIN.

HE SAID;
"WHERE ARE YOU AT NOW DRIVER"? "WHICH ONE OF THESE TRUCKS ARE YOU"?

THATS WHEN I TURNED MY MIC GAIN DOWN ON MY RADIO TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I WAS FUTHER AWAY THAN I REALLY WAS AND I SAID;

"DRIVER I'M ALREADY UP HERE GOING BY THE GALLUP GET OFF AT THE 16 YARD STICK AND I GOT TO GO, SO I CAN'T BE DRAGGIN' MY FEET ANYMORE WAITING ON YOU. IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN SO YOU HAVE A SAFE TRIP AND BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME".

THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I HEARD ANYTHING OUT OF HIM BUT, AS I WAS GOING OVER THE BRIDGE AT THE GALLUP EXIT, HE HAD GOT OFF AND WAS RIGHT THERE UNDER THE BRIDGE GOING TO LOVES, OR THE "TA", AND THATS WHEN I REACHED UP THERE AND TURNED THAT MIC GAIN ALL THE WAY BACK UP AND SAID;

"YOU KNOW''

" IF YOU CHASE ANOTHER TRUCK, ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE STATE OF ARIZONA, NOT REALIZING HE WAS BEHIND YOU THE WHOLE TIME"!

"YOU'RE PROBABLY A CHICKENHAULER"!

NOW I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT DRIVER WAS THINKING AFTER I SAID THAT, BUT "I KNOW HE HEARD ME"!

AND THAT IS A TRUE STORY MY FRIEND!

DRIVE SAFE DRIVER! "THEY NEED YOU BACK AT THE HOUSE"!

=======================================================

''TRUCKERS HOLIDAY"

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THEY SHOULD GIVE TRUCK DRIVERS A "NATIONAL HOLIDAY" FOR WHAT THEY DO, AND BACK IN 2005 I FIGURED OUT THE PERFECT DATE TO GET IT STARTED. THAT DATE WAS ON NOVEMBER 24TH 2005.

THEY COULD HAVE CALLED IT "NATIONAL TRUCK TIRE DAY".

IT COULD HAVE BEEN "THE DAY OF THE YEAR YOUR 18 WHEELS DO NOT HAVE TO TURN".

NOW THE REASON I WANTED TO CALL IT "NATIONAL TRUCK TIRE DAY" IS BECAUSE NOVEMBER 24TH 2005 LANDED ON;

"11- 24 - 5"

DRIVERS WOULD ALSO HAVE A "TWO DAY GRACE PERIOD" TO GET READY FOR THEIR HOLIDAY. TWO DAYS BEFORE THE HOLIDAY ALL DRIVERS COULD START HEADING FOR THE HOUSE "KEEPING A LOW PROFILE" ON;

"11 - 22 - 5"

WELL, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN AND TO HAVE IT HAPPEN ON THIS DATE AGAIN WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER 100 YEARS. MAYBE BY THEN PEOPLE WILL FINALLY REALIZE JUST HOW IMPORTANT THE TRUCKS ARE.

NOW IF FOR SOME REASON YOU JUST DON'T GET IT. YOU JUST HAVEN'T BEEN OUT HERE LONG ENOUGH.

O' BY THE WAY, YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK YOUR "AIR PRESSURE".

============================================================

"FINDING A PLACE TO PARK".

THE NEXT TIME YOU DRIVERS PULL INTO A TRUCK STOP LATE AT NIGHT AND YOU CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A PARKING SPOT THERE ARE A FEW THINGS YOU CAN DO.

1. GET ON THE RADIO AND SAY THAT YOU JUST DROPPED THIS LITTLE BLOND OFF AND SHE IS STANDING ON THE ON RAMP. TELL THEM SHE IS NOT FAMILAR WITH THE TRUCKS AND SHE DON'T LIKE TO TALK ON THE RADIO. IF A DRIVER COMES BACK AND SAYS HE JUST WENT BY THERE AND DIDN'T SEE HER. JUST SAY WHEN YOU DROPPED HER OFF SHE WAS HEADED FOR THE TREES TO USE THE RESTROOM.

2. JUST PULL YOUR TRUCK UP ON THE LAST FUEL ISLAND, POP YOUR HOOD, GO INSIDE AND TELL THEM YOUR SPLITTER BROKE ON YOUR TRANSMISSION AND THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY CALLED THE OFFICE BUT THEY SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE ABOUT 3 OR 4 HOURS UNTIL THE MECHANIC GETS THERE. "NO PROBLEM"!
YOU JUST GO BACK TO YOUR TRUCK AND GO TO BED. WHEN YOU WAKE UP, JUST GET OUT AND CLOSE YOUR HOOD AND THEN DRIVE OFF. THEY ARE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOU LEAVE. ONE TIME AT THE PETRO IN KINGMAN THEY LET ME SLEEP 8 HOURS BEFORE THEY EVEN CAME TO THE TRUCK AND WOKE ME UP. I WAS SURE GLAD THEY FINALLY WOKE ME UP BECAUSE I NEEDED TO GET GOING.

3. IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE THERE VERY LONG YOU CAN JUST PULL UP ON ONE OF THE MANY "DISABLE PARKING SPOTS". WHEN YOU GET OUT OF THE TRUCK, JUST "LIMP" INTO THE TRUCK STOP AND NOBODY WILL SAY ANYTHING. I USE TO CARRY A "CANE" WITH ME. DON'T FEEL BAD EIGTHER BECAUSE A LOT OF THESE TRUCK STOPS HAVE 5 OR 6 "DISABLE PARKING SPOTS" AND HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MORE THAN 1 OR 2 ( AT THE MOST ) DISABLE DRIVERS PARKING THERE AT THE SAME TIME. IT JUST DON'T HAPPEN.

4. IF YOU WORK A LOT AROUND THE MID WEST DO THIS. YOU KNOW HOW ALL THESE DRIVERS PUT THEM "TRAIN HORNS" ON THEIR TRUCKS. WELL I LIVE IN OKLAHOMA AND I PUT ME A "TORNADO SIREN" ON MY TRUCK. WHEN I PULL INTO A TRUCK STOP IN THE EVENING AND KICK THAT "TORNADO SIREN" ON, I GET A FRONT ROW PARKING SPOT EVERY TIME.

A FEW YEARS AGO I PULLED INTO THE PETRO IN KNOXVILLE AND I HAD JUST LEFT THE FUEL ISLAND WHEN THIS DRIVER CAME OVER THE RADIO AND SAID THEY WERE CHECKING PAPERWORK UP ON TOP THE HILL. WELL IT WAS ABOUT 2:30 IN THE MORNING SO I DROVE AROUND BEHIND THE "IDLE AIR" ON THE BACK ROW AND I WAS LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO PARK TO DO SOME PAPERWORK REAL QUICK. I ENDED UP PULLING ALONG SIDE THE CURB BESIDE THE ENTRANCE TO "BLUE BEACONS" DRIVEWAY. THERE WERE A FEW TRUCKS IN LINE TO GET THEIR TRUCKS WASHED AND WHILE I WAS SITTIN' THERE DOING MY PAPERWORK THESE DRIVERS WOULD PULL UP THERE AND SAY,

"HOW ABOUT THAT BLACK PETE"!
"ARE YOU IN LINE TO GET YOUR TRUCK WASHED"?

I'D SAY, "YES I AM DRIVER BUT I CAN SAVE YOU SOME TIME IF YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A COUPLE DOLLARS I'LL LET YOU GO IN FRONT OF ME".

I MADE $16.00 JUST SITTIN' THERE DOING MY PAPERWORK!

=====================================================

"OKC AIRPORT"

I was working out in the yard today and when I came in the house to get me some ice water I seen a "Special News Break" on the TV. They were saying that they had just shut down the "OKC AIRPORT" because for some unknown reason they had a "Big Truck" driving around out there all over the runways.

Come to find out it was a "Swift Truck" and after they finally got the truck stopped and got the Driver out of the truck, the Driver told authorites that

"HE WAS LOOKING FOR THE "PILOT"!

====================================================

"DALLAS TRUCK WASH"

I WAS DOWN THERE AT "EXIT 470" ON THE SOUTH SIDE OF DALLAS WHEN ME AND ANOTHER DRIVER WERE PARKED ON THEM BACK STREETS OVER THERE BEHIND THE PILOT.

WE WERE IN LINE TO GET OUR TRUCKS WASHED AND I WAS SITTING UP THERE IN HIS TRUCK IN THE DRIVERS SEAT.

I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND HERE COME ONE OF THOSE ''CRACK HEADS'' WALKING ALONG SIDE HIS TRAILER TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE TRUCK.

THIS GUY WAS "REAL PARANOID" LOOKING ALL AROUND AND WHEN HE GOT UP ALONG SIDE THE DOOR OF THE TRUCK HE STOPPED AND LOOKED UP THERE AT ME AND STARTED WAVING HIS HAND TO GET MY ATTENTION.

HE WAS STANDING THERE SWEATING REAL BAD AND I LOOKED OVER AT THE DRIVER I WAS SITTING WITH AND SAID, "WATCH THIS".

I ROLLED THE WINDOW DOWN AND HE ASKED ME,

"IF I NEEDED ANYTHING".

I TOLD HIM NO,

THAT WE WERE JUST WAITING THERE IN LINE TO "GET OUR TRUCKS WASHED".

HE THEN ASKED ME,

"IF I COULD SPARE A COUPLE OF DOLLARS".

I TOLD HIM,

"I DIDNT CARRY CASH THAT I ALWAYS USED A CREDIT CARD".

HE FINALLY ASKED THEM FAMOUS WORDS.

"DO YOU NEED A LUMPER"?

I LOOKED DOWN THERE AND SAID;

NO "THANKS".

I SAID;

"I GOT A LOAD OF "BRILLO" AND IT'S ALL ON PALLETS".

I THOUGHT THE BOY WAS GOING TO HAVE A "SEIZURE" RIGHT THERE IN THE STREET.

THE DRIVER I WAS SITTING WITH STILL LAUGHS ABOUT THAT ONE!

====================================================

"GOING OUT WEST"

I road out West with a friend of mine one time. I was "Semi-Retired" at the time and had not drove in a few years but I was driving and needed to get some fuel so I pulled in the Piolt there in Barstow at Lynnwood Rd.. He was asleep and I didn't want to wake him up so I got out of the truck and grabbed that phone and that
O' Gal Said;

"WOULD YOU PLEASE SWIPE YOUR CARD"!

I said now wait a minute. "What the hell would I want to steal my own damm card for"?

''SHE SAID, DO YOU HAVE A HUB"?

I said well hell yes I got a Hub. If I did'nt my damm axles would fall out.

"SHE SAID, DO YOU NEED MILEAGE"?

I said well I've only ran about 1200 miles this week but if you could put a couple thousand on my paycheck it would sure be "Highly Appricated".

"SHE SAID, WHATS YOUR BASE PLATE"?

I said thats that tag on the front of my tractor that tells you what state I am out of.

"SHE SAID, DO YOU NEED A FREE SHOWER"?

I said well I'm completely loaded right now but if you'll sit it out behind the truck stop when I come back through if I have enough room, I'll pick it up.

"SHE SAID, DO YOU NEED REEFER'?

I said "No Thanks". Got Some.

"SHE SAID, DO YOU NEED AN ADVANCE"?

I said well it's been a long time sence a woman has made an advance at me but if you want me to I can make my o'l lady stay in the truck and that way when I come in to pay for my fuel you can show me one of your "Tits" or something.

"SHE SAID, HOW DO YOU PLAN TO PAY"?

I said I don't. I'm a "Drive Off"!

"SHE FINALLY ASKED, DO YOU NEED A TRIP"?

I said, "Bitch" you are a trip. All I wanted to do was get some fuel and you just keep asking me all of these Stupied Questions so I hung up on her, ran out of fuel going down Cojoin, but coasted into the fuel islands at the TA in Ontario!

"WHOOP! WHOOP"!

============================================

"LUMPERS"

Years ago I was Drivin' for this company out of Indy and I was up there in Syracuse NY picking up "1638 Cases Of Cookies" going to Bruno's Warehouse down there in Birmingham. It was one of those "Hot Loads" had to be there so I ran straight through and made my 2:00 AM appointment. I bumped the dock, went in and gave them my paperwork and was fixin' to go back out to the truck and go to bed when they told me that I was going to have to unload my trailer. I told them I was not going to unload my trailer and that I had just ran over 1,000 miles straight through just to get them their "Hot Load".

They then told me about their "In-House Lumper Service" that they would unload the trailer. So I had their "In-House Lumper Service" come and check out my load and they said they would unload the "1638 Cases Of Cookies" off the floor for $175.00. So I called the office and the office said they would only pay $80.00 for a Lumper. Receiving then tells me about this little building outside the gate that is an "Out-House Lumper Service" and it would be cheaper if I can get a Lumper from out there. So, I go out there and the cheapest I could find anyone to do the job was $110.00.

By this time I was tired of messing with it. I went right back to receiving, told them to give me back my paperwork and "Release Me From Your Dock". They asked me where I was going. I said I was going back to the Truck Stop over there on Finly Street. I told them I had just got fuel over there about 20 minutes ago and this gal jumped up on the side of my truck and she said,

"She Would Do Anything For $40.00"

I'll Be Right Back!

============================================

"ROOSTER CRUZIN CASKET"

I was running across I-40 a few years ago when I came up on one of those "Casket Haulers" out of Batesville Arkansas. We got to talking and he was telling me about all these new "Customized Caskets" you can buy now to be burried in and thats when I started thinking.

I then came up with the idea of the perfect "Rooster Cruzin Casket".

It's a "CHROME CASKET" that comes with "Dollies" under the front equiped with 8 small Go-Cart tires for the tandems to give it that trailer effect. The Funeral will be held at night because it comes with LED lights on the sides all the way around at the top and the bottom. It also comes with a set of "LED Break Lights" on the rear that remain on. It has a small lighted license plate that says "I'm Back-Out"!. It also comes with a "CHROME" Road King or Astatic Mic ( your choice ) that goes in one hand and "CHROME" Cell Phone for the other.

There are three super charged 12 volt batteries that go down in the corner of the vault ( sitting on a 3/4 inch piece of plywood of to keep the batteries form being drained ).

There are also LED lights on the top of the casket that are flashing when they are lowering it down in the vault that keep flashing "I APPRICATE IT"--"I APPRICATE IT"--"I APPRICATE IT" . The Casket also comes with a little slot that is on top of the lid down by your feet. This is for all the people who still owe you money so they will have one last chance to make things right and get even with you. There is also a small sign there that says "NO CHECKS PLEASE"! After a few weeks when the batteries loose their charge, "The Ride Is Finally Over".

This way a Driver can actually "Live The Life" a few final weeks "In Peace".

On the "Head Stone" it has LED Lights that say

"OUT OF HOURS & OUT OF SERVICE"!

============================================

"NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONCER"!

IT'S FROM "MUGGIT" LAUNDRY DETERGENT. THAT'S "MUGGIT" M U G G I T LAUNDRY DETERGENT. IT'S BETTER THAN "TIDE OR OXAHDOL". FOR THEM EXTRA TUFF HARD TO GET OUT STAINS, USE THE INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH. IT'S CALLED "FUGGIT" LAUNDRY DETERGENT.

THAT'S F U G G I T LAUNDRY DETERGENT. IT WILL GET ANYTHING OFF. IT WILL EVEN TAKE THE SLEEVES AND THE POCKETS OFF IF YOU LEAVE IT IN THE WATER TOO LONG. SO THAT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU FOLKS,

IF YOU CAN'T "MUGGIT".

"FUGGIT".

============================================

THESE JOKES SOUND A LOT BETTER WITH ALL THE BEATS AND SPECIAL EFFECTS RAY ADDED TO HIS CD'S.

TO HEAR MORE, GET YOU A SET OF RAY'S CD'S. THE THREE SET BUNDLE IS "3 HOURS OF TRUCKIN'".

HIS CD'S ARE EACH AN HOUR LONG AND THEY ARE DESIGNED TO KEEP A DRIVER AWAKE AND THEY DO JUST THAT.

THEY ARE FILLED WITH HIS TRUCKIN' SONGS, JOKES, AND SPECIAL EFFECTS.

THESE CD'S WILL KEEP YOU TRUCKIN' NIGHT AFTER NIGHT.

IF YOU LIKE TRUCKIN', THESE ARE CD'S YOU WILL LISTEN TO OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN,

WE GUARANTEE IT!

"HAVE A SAFE TRIP DRIVERS" AND "HAVE FUN ON YOUR RUN"!

WE ARE "BACK-OUT" AND READIN' THAT MAIL!

"ALL MATERIAL IS COPYRIGHTED"

CARLISLE PRODUCTIONS INC. P O BOX 1026 JAY OK 74346